Meditation for Dummies

“Do you meditate?” – Ugh. Probably one of the most cringeworthy questions anyone can ask or be asked. I used to avoid any mentions of meditation more than a Covid hotspot, but if I’m being honest, I think it was because I was always secretly low-key jealous of people that somehow managed to meditate daily. Like, how on earth do people have their sh*t together so well to MEDITATE?? That seems like Peak Adulting sh*t to me…   

If you’re anything like me, your brain is FAR too chaotic to be able to just tell it to shoosh for 10, 20, or god forbid, 60 whole minutes!! Are you kidding me? I’ve always got at least 7 simultaneous thoughts happening, including the thing I keep forgetting to write down on my grocery list. And if there’s music on, I’m also analysing the theme, development and countermelodies while holding an imaginary conversation and being distracted by my neighbours doing neighbour things through paper-thin walls.  

Late last year though, things changed. I was working a corporate job in the Health Industry in a company with far too few staff, and I was feeling the pressure. I had been isolated and working from home all year, one of my cats had died, I was missing my partner who was stuck in the UK, I was having family issues (who doesn’t, amirite??), and everything just felt like a struggle. I was trying to do my best, but I definitely wasn’t at my finest. I knew I was at a point where something had to change because quite frankly, I was getting sick of my own bullsh*t. So, I put my hand up for some Hotseat Coaching with my amazing Mindset Coach, Emily Chadbourne (if you haven’t heard about her, go look her up).  

The Coaching call was amazing, and exactly what I needed, but during the whole time I was waiting, terrified, DREADING the moment I knew was coming…. It finally arrived during a discussion about surrender, when she said – “And I’m gonna make you meditate. Sorry, but that’s the way it is…” – I literally rolled my eyes at her and said “I knowww”. She already knew I wasn’t a fan of the practice – it just wasn’t my jam. She went on to explain to me, though….  

“You’re gonna hate this, but twice a day, for 20 minutes each. Repeat the mantra ‘A-Hum’. If you have an itch, itch it. If you have a wedgie, pick it out. You’re going to forget the mantra, and have all these thoughts, and that’s ok.” …. I’m REALLY glad she said that last bit. In a voice note a few days later, knowing I struggle with perfectionism and getting things ‘right’, she chuckled at me and lovingly said, “you can’t get it right or wrong, hun” … and honestly, that has stuck with me more than anything. I genuinely think these 7 words have been the key to me continuing the practice. Just doing it, is getting it ‘right’. DOING IT is the point.  

Some days, trying to focus on the mantra and acknowledge the thoughts that pop up is like wrangling monkeys. It feels like a struggle from the very first minute to the last. Other days, it takes a little while, but I settle in and it feels calmer. I have thoughts that are banal, and thoughts that are profound. Both experiences are of equal value. I’ll be honest, some days ‘A-Hum’ doesn’t cut it for me, as it’s way too easy for me to have thoughts over the top of random sounds, so I substitute it for my own little mantra of ‘Just Be’ to encourage myself to be present and focus on my body and breath. Other times I use the Isha Kriya’s “I am not the body/I am not even the mind” on my inhalations and exhalations. Often this works the best for me because it takes up all the thinking space, and it’s way harder to squeeze thoughts in between the words. Sometimes none of it works. Sometimes I just have to surrender and let my brain do what it’s gotta do, and let it be a sh*tshow.  

Last week I decided to start journaling my meditation experiences. Here’s what happened across 3 days…. 

Jan 22^nd – Started off well. Settled in with inhaling ‘You are not the body’ and exhaling ‘You are not even the mind’ (Thanks Sadhguru!). Managed maybe 7 minutes (who knows, maybe it was 3) before some random and impure thoughts popped into my head. WTF?? Where did THAT come from? Is that ok to think about while meditating? Ok, Ok, reign it in. Think about your chakras, and not just the orange one. F*ck – what was the yellow one again? ‘I control’? Just think about yellow light pouring out of my sacral chakra. Breathe in. Breathe out. Neighbour lady starts a very animated conversation on the phone. Breathe in. Ignore it. Breathe out. You are not even the mind. This mind is VERY unruly at the moment. Like a primary class with a substitute teacher. Keep trying. Come on girl, you got this. Deep breath. Centre yourself. Be present. Works for maybe another minute or two. Things I need to do keep popping up. My cloud trick isn’t working (this is where I place any thoughts that pop up onto a little cloud and let the breeze carry them off for me to find later). Do I need to poop? Breathe in. Breathe out. Cat sees a bird outside and starts ekekek-ing… ugh. I definitely need to poop. Abort mission.  

Time elapsed – 15:36mins.  

Jan 23^rd – Took a while to settle in this morning. Cat was faffing about. Ignored him gently yelling and pawing at me successfully enough for him to settle. Returned to my mantra ‘A-Hum’. Thought about sinking into nothingness and being peaceful. Images of the house popped up. Couches. How we were going to arrange them. Ok, weird brain, thanks for that most random thought. Onto a cloud you go. A-Hum. A-Hum. A-Hum. Kids yelling out the front. Ignore it. You are not the body. You are not even the mind. Setting up the living room pops up again. Why?? Where do we put the big couch? Will we have an armchair? Reassure myself I’ll address this later. Just not now. Back to A-Hum. Really focus on A-Hum and sinking. Goes smoother for the remainder of the time, and I feel connected. Did not reach Nirvana, however.  

Time elapsed – 20 mins.  

Jan 24^th – Made the mistake of having the fan on, which meant flyaway hairs tickling my face and making ANY kind of concentration impossible. Once the fan was off, it was a whole different ball game. I felt focused and calm today. Thoughts popped up about a sick friend and what it would mean if I needed to go care for them. Giving the cat to my parents. Moving out of here. I put it aside and returned to breath. Some thoughts came up about the feelings I had when my numerology was done, and the strength I had felt when I was quitting my job. I am meant for more. I need to not lose faith, and remember there’s something I’m meant to do here. I need to believe in myself more. I let those thoughts linger for a minute, as they’re not the usual busy-brain thoughts I have. They were FEELINGS instead of words. These ones I need to pay attention to. I returned to breath. Felt connected. Felt grounded.  

Time elapsed – 20 mins.  

Sometimes 20 minutes feels like only a few, and I’m surprised when the alarm goes off. Sometimes, I almost fall asleep. Sometimes, I wonder how long I have to go, at the 4 minutes mark. But I just sit there and breathe. Because I know as more days pass where I meditate, something is happening. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I know it’s good. I feel better for it, and that’s all I know. And for the record, I still don’t have my sh*t together, and I’m far from Peak Adulting. I’m no guru, and never will be. And that’s ok.