F*ck Bravery

People have often called me brave throughout my life. I don’t really understand it. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m not uncomfortable because people have shared kind words, or shown some weird kind of awe when they say, “you’re so brave for doing that”, or “how did you find the courage?”, but there’s something about the idea that my actions are considered worthy of a cape or medal, or an honorary knighthood of some sort that rubs me the wrong way.

You see, to me, I’m just doing what I need to do.

When I was in my mid-20s, I fell in love with a Canadian musician, and decided to leave my family, my motherland, the band that I’d been a part of for 10 years, and life as I knew it to move halfway across the world for a boy. Apparently, I was BRAVE. All I knew at the time was, as painful as it felt to say goodbye to the life I had, I knew that if I stayed where I was, I would likely spend the rest of my life wondering, “What if…?” – and that was not a life I was willing to live. I didn’t think I was being brave; I was just doing what I needed to do.

When I was 38, I told my then-husband I wanted to end my marriage. It was the hardest and most heart-breaking decision I’d ever had to make. I had a deep love for my husband, but there were things we were not ready to change or heal in order to make the marriage work between us. As successful as it had once been, our marriage had reached the end of its life. I was deeply depressed about it, but I knew I had to walk away to be able to find the happiness I was no longer able to find within the union. People were so proud of me for making this tough decision. Apparently, I was BRAVE. To me, I was doing it to survive, so I could find the life I was meant to live. I hope it saved both our lives. Again, I didn’t think I was being brave; I was just doing what I needed to do.

When I met my girlfriend in 2019, I was straight. We were on retreat in Bali and I’d worked through some heavy stuff and was ready to find a nice man and settle down once he arrived in my life. Then I met her. She was BRAVE enough to message me once we’d parted ways from retreat, and I was BRAVE enough to reply and be open to whatever this connection was meant to bring. We were BRAVE and decided to spend 3 months living together without having been on a single date, and we were BRAVE again when f*cking Covid separated us, to commit to each other for as long as it takes to reunite us. Apparently, we are brave; to us, we are just doing what we need to do.

When I was miserable at my corporate job after 7 ½ years, I decided to resign. I was getting soul tired (you know that tired that can’t be fixed with sleep?), jaded, impatient and angry – and that wasn’t me. Instead of jumping into a new job, I decided instead to take time to figure out who I actually wanted to BE, how I wanted to FEEL, and figure out what I was meant to DO with my life. Despite being great at it, the corporate world definitely wasn’t doing it for me anymore. Apparently leaving my job was a really BRAVE thing to do. I didn’t think I was being brave; I just did what I needed to do.

In the lead up to each of these events, I moved from feeling comfortable to very UNcomfortable. It was my soul prodding me to recognise that while things were not necessarily wrong, things were definitely not as right as they should be. I still don’t consider my actions deserve to be classed as BRAVERY, but I am beginning to understand why people think they should be. Society gasped at the thought of me leaving a job and not having another one to walk straight into. Society clutched its pearls and asked me if being in a relationship with a woman was what I really wanted. Society tilted its head like a puppy at me giving up a pretty cool life of rock’n’roll, security and safety, for a massive unknown in a foreign country. We are all so indoctrinated to do the ‘right’ thing, be good girls and boys, go with the crowd, and listen to what society tells us we ‘should’ do. The word ‘should’ almost killed me a number of times during my life. I’m done with ‘should’. I’m finding that if you ditch ‘should’ and listen to what your soul is telling you, amazing things happen. Life gets really good. Society and its best mate ‘should’ can go faint in a heap for all I care.

Apparently, this act of self-love is considered revolutionary; the stuff of ticker-tape parades and heart emojis, and what prompts proclamations of ‘You’re so BRAVE’ and ‘How COURAGEOUS’. It makes me simultaneously sad, and frustrated, and determined to let people know this seemingly rebellious act is not outrageous at all, but in fact should be compulsory learning – SOUL LISTENING AND SELF LOVE 101.

It shouldn’t be considered an act of bravery to love and honour our own selves more than anyone else on this planet. More than our parents, more than our partners, more than our kids. Our souls know this, but they are silenced and smothered by society and ‘should’ from a young age. I am trying to remember to listen to my soul every day – in big ways and small ways. I need to choose my happiness and what’s best for me, every day. I put me first, and do what I need to do, for ME. And bizarrely, the world doesn’t implode. It feels a way better to live in.

Try it. Start off small. If you ever find yourself saying “Oh, I’d love to take a life drawing class” or “Wow, pole dancing looks fun”, or daydreaming how you used to love playing the piano when you were young – listen to your soul sending those little nudges. Buy some pencils, sign up for that class, borrow a keyboard. Or perhaps it’s something bigger; Move to the country, or to the sea, or start your own business, or write a book. It could also mean saying no, when ‘should’ tells you to say yes, or letting your greys grow in and allowing yourself to love them. It might be telling everyone to bugger off for an hour each Sunday afternoon so you can have a nap.

I don’t know what your soul is telling you. Only you do. You just have to listen.

Go on – Make your soul happy. Honour yourself. Be BRAVE.

PS – I’m writing this 2 days after completing the blog you’ve just read. It’s been bugging me, so I must need to add this for someone to hear. I want to reiterate that the big decisions I made were scary. Scary AF, in fact. I did NOT sail through them, brushing off all worry and self-doubt, floating along like a Disney princess where everything is perfect and I’ve not a care in the world. I stewed and mulled over my choices and even when I knew they were the right decisions, they still felt scary when I executed. But I did it anyway. The turnaround time to make these big decisions and commit to myself has become quicker over the years, but they still make me hold my breath and get the nervous giggles and an upset tummy. That’s usually the sign I’m doing the right thing – I’m equal parts terrified and excited. I’ve gotten better at listening to the voice inside. ‘BRAVERY’ takes practice – the hard and big things are still big and hard, but you just attack them with more confidence and trust in yourself. Just remember – a backflip is easy for a gymnast.