In my ‘day job’, I am in middle management. I’m a Customer Service Manager, to be exact. In the grand scheme of things, my role isn’t particularly important for the existence of humanity. I will admit, I’ve made my place in the company somewhat valuable, I suppose – I always like to learn as much as I can, even if it’s “not my job”, and after 7 years of being inquisitive and downright prying into how stuff works you inevitably pick up a few tricks. As a result, I’ve become a bit of the ‘Office Google’ – if you don’t know something, I’ve usually got the answer you need. At the end of the day though, the world as we know it isn’t going to implode if I suck at my job. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “everyone’s replaceable” – well, it’s absolutely true. But in my head, I am important. I’m worth more than I’m paid (who isn’t?! Amirite?), and my title should surely reflect SOME note of importance, at least, more than my mid-level management moniker currently does. Nobody takes a Customer Service Manager Seriously, let’s face it. Not to toot my own horn (ok, maybe a little), but what I actually DO is not what my title reflects. I’m important, after all.
The last 12 or so months has brought some major realisations for me around my outlook of my so-called ‘importance’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still learning, and unpeeling the onion that is myself and my psyche, but here’s a bit of a rundown about where I’m at so far, at least…
I’ve always been a high achiever and have always wanted to excel. If you want to go deep, and have a few spare hours, we can look at my self-worth issues and needing to prove and validate myself through others. If you want the surface level, I pride myself on always doing a really good job; an excellent job, if I can.
If you’ve ever had the opportunity to take a Strengths Finder survey, you’ll know that they absolutely nail it, and can bring up some really insightful themes about how we operate, whether consciously or subconsciously. And as it turns out, my top strengths 5 are in the arena of knowledge, learning, and achieving – no real surprises there (at least not to me). I like being able to solve problems and help people. And the more knowledge you have, the chances are you can solve more problems, right? As wonderful as all that is, however, life is a paradox, and the reality is that your strengths all have the potential to quickly become detrimental and turn into weaknesses if left unchecked.
For the last couple of years, I sort of threw myself into my job, because to be perfectly honest, I didn’t really HAVE anything else happening in my life. I was newly divorced, I don’t have kids, and in the standard checklist of ‘must-haves’ for a woman, all I had left was my career. So, in I dove… and I made it my everything. I had goals and aspirations and was going to take the world by storm by climbing that corporate ladder and smashing through that glass ceiling and the stigma that a Customer Service Manager wasn’t able to climb the ladder. Because what else was I going to do? It was time for ME, and time was something I had plenty of. I was so eager to work hard and be rewarded for my efforts and dedication, and I was totally sucked in by the dangling carrots and words of encouragement and praise from the company. I put in long hours each day, worked weekends, and nothing was ever too much. Until it was.
I worked so hard for everyone else’s gain that I almost ended up in hospital. I was a wreck emotionally, physically, and spiritually (I’m not religious, however I am what I consider to be ‘spiritual’ – I believe in connection and something ‘more’ than just us – but at that point, I certainly had no faith left in anything) – I was broken. I felt used up; a mere shell of who I knew I was. I wavered between knowing in my soul there was more to life and I was destined for more than this heartache and misery, and suddenly getting that panicky feeling that maybe this WAS all there was, and I WASN’T as important or valuable and I just had a big fucking head. After all, I was JUST a Customer Service Manager.
So I jumped on a plane and headed to Bali for a retreat with 10 other women and my amazing coach, and ignited a flame that perhaps once burned when I was younger, but hadn’t been generating any heat or light for some years… I returned a new woman. I left work on time, I spoke my mind and spoke up for myself (respectfully, of course – I’m not a dickhead), and I encouraged others to honour themselves as I was now doing. Life was amazing.
I’ve been working with a mindset coach for a few years now, and one of the things I’ve finally come to realise and acknowledge is that I run a mean perfectionist game. In the past, I have set unrealistic goals like it’s nobody’s business, ignored my emotions and my physical body’s signals of burnout, and I have feared mistakes and looking like a failure more than death itself. Because, as I’ve mentioned I’m important. And you can’t be important if you make mistakes. This is how it works in a perfectionist’s brain. Or at least MY brain.
Letting my perfectionism run rampant and undetected for so many years led to me being a Master Procrastinator. My procrastination skills are so acutely honed that I could delay almost anything if I felt it wouldn’t go smoothly. I can make up the most elegant excuses if it means I don’t have to face the possibility of a stuff-up. To put it in better terms, I think what I have are more precisely procrastination ‘skillz’ and not just ‘skills’ – THAT’S how good I am at it. But at least now I can self-parent if I recognise myself stalling on something, and consciously decide if I’ll let it stay on the ‘to-do’ list for another day or two, or if I need to stand up and adult a little harder today. I think the first step is to recognise it – I mean, LITERALLY – isn’t the first step in any 12-step program admitting you have a problem? Anyway, I’m getting good at least with recognising when I’m stalling now. Even if I won’t necessarily act as immediately as I could to rectify the situation. I mean, I AM still human, after all. *grins sheepishly*
And because I am human, and we are creatures of habit, I took a bit of a slide recently. And that’s ok. With the emergence of 2020’s signature fragrance, COVID, my company are incredibly busy with testing-related products, as well as trying to manage the corporate world’s primary goal – making money. Life has been hectic. And I fell into the one strategy I was as familiar with as I now am as with the four walls of my townhouse since working from home for the last few months – perfectionism.
It’s ok, though – I acknowledge it, and I’m working on it. I’ve set myself a 30-day challenge to leave work no more than 1 hour my ‘technical’ finishing time (trust me, this is an improvement – Can I get an ‘Amen’ from all the other perfectionist out there?). I’ve promised myself to not get worked up and emotionally invested as I used to. I’ve committed to myself that ‘I am my Full Time Job’ – thanks to my incredible coach’s words from her very own life learnings. I pick my battles. I choose where my fucks go. I’m no longer giving fucks where they don’t belong. I’m catching myself more and more when I slip into unresourceful behaviour. I’m self-parenting and coaching myself lovingly when I find myself ranting at things that really don’t matter. The world as we know it isn’t going to implode.
I think it’s really valuable for me (and a lot of people like me) to check in regularly with ourselves and our ‘importance’, to remember that while our little universes revolve around us and how incredibly important we are, in the grand scheme of things, we are nothing but mere blips. Miniscule organisms in a magnificent universe whose magnitude of unparalleled size and complexities and individual moving parts makes us nothing more than grains of sand on a beach, or a single atom in a human body. While we’re kind of important, we’re really not THAT important. And that’s important to remember. The things we think REALLY matter, probably don’t. So, let’s relax. Let’s be all be a bit more chill about things. The world isn’t going to implode, I promise you.
NAOMI BATTAH COACHING 
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